Five reasons you should never ever take advice from me

1. I will somehow make it all about myself, and why I'm actually the real victim here and why the world sucks I'm just a tortured soul who got unlucky noone understands my pain this sucks and I never ever tell my pain to anyone all this darkness and pain is hidden deep deep inside me to be never exposed and oh wait what did you want to know about again, oh right if you should reply to that text that's stupid these concerns don't matter in the big picture man think of the big picture and see yourself getting there imagine how you're going to get there and do the things that you know are going to get there.
   
   
2. If I don't make it all about myself, I will only offer you advice that will eventually end up with me benefiting out of it greatly somehow. Say, your family wants to borrow money from you and you don't know if you should do that? Here let me think about this, if I tell you to not give them the money no matter what they've done in the past you'll get in the habit of saying no to people when they ask beg for money from you and might not work in my favor so what I'm going to tell you is that generosity is next to godliness and not only should you give your family all the money they ask for, for the first time anyway, you should also apply that logic to friends and family who give you good company. Speaking of which did I tell you about my business idea that is in dire need of funding and is looking for someone with exactly your qualifications but unfortunately doesn't have resources to go anywhere so would it really be asking for that big of a favor if you let me the money to take it forward?
   
   
3. All my advice is really bad, like so comically bad that you'll rue the day you got to know me and decided to ask for my advice really, will try to avoid knowledge of my existence entirely to erase any remnants of my beings from your psyche because that's how shitty the outcome of my advice will be. My advice has stopped people from getting laid, cockblocked people who were otherwise not blocked in anyway at all, created ruptures between good friends families and partners and generally deteriorated the state of the business that used the recommendations I made. Really, the one amazing way to do great and succeed is to ask for my advice, do what is the most possible version of that idea and sell it to investors for millions of dollars. Obviously you don't want to wait for the idea to execute because soon they'll realize it's an engineering marvel at standing up rather than clever construction and secretkeeping. Whaaaat.
   
   
4. I won't even get which part of the conversation you want help with because I'm so bad at identifying obvious problems. You tell me you want to break up with the guy you're seeing and you don't know how to, and I'll be wondering which part you're seeking help from, and ask if you want to find a way to have lesser sex going forward because I don't see a problem anywhere there and you can just use the software you're already using to breakup with him without hr folks seeing because you've see the code and there's no way they can see your code.
   
   
5. I'll get bored halfway through and zone out and I know this is so rude and unprofessional and assholish but in my defense I never had to go with this and didn't know the concept to begin with so I didn't realize the outcomes would be so deadly!