How I've been beating the self control I've had for the past five years

I've been systematically dismantling all the controls I've learned to put in my devices through the years, and using reddit twitter and all those rando websites for the last two weeks, for no good reason. It's not like there's a lot of good exciting interesting news coming in, it's not like people have gone to the moon. I'm just bored tired, what it's unclear but my energy has been sapped away from doing productive things do unlocking the magical controls I put around my being and feeling like a goon. And then feeling guilty about it, rejecting the other emotional control measures I put in, thinking ohh this is the last thing and I'll just go back to doing the right thing, last hour, another thirty minutes, another twenty minutes, and the next thing I know two weeks have gone by.

This is toxic. So so toxic.

And once I'm tired out of reddit and twitter, I listen to podcasts, go to youtube to my regular channels, for a couple of ours until I'm zonked out. Then I forget that I was 'wasting' my time with youtubes et al. to begin with, so figure i need some rest, so back to unlocking all the controls it is again, and the cycle continues ad infinitum. Until it's the evening the day's running out and I really really need to find some five minutes for the meditation. And that's it, that's how the day ends.

Bad, it's bad.

The fog sort of situation in the brain is bad for chats, my relationships with friends has not improved, my motivation to call or text people, do interesting things has gone down too. It's as if...and I'll be using the a-word here, so trigger warning...as if I've been addicted to the internet, to the news and reddit and twitter once again and I can't just help it. I need my hit, those hits become increasingly unsatisfying as my hit consumption increases so I take the sessions for longer and longer until finally there's nothing but distraction, twitter distracting me away from reddit distracting me away from youtube away from podcasts (which are fine), and then jumping between one form to another, feeling gross disgusted at myself, sad mad annoyed at the news, unsure what's happening why it's happening and exactly what I'm feeling.

Junkie. I've become a news junkie, a social media addict, despite not being on too many networks. I was off the drugs for months and years, and the recent news and happening in the world have brought it back to me alas.

Actions are being taken to control it. Meditation is still happening, I'm writing consistently, cooking is going on, the walks have been restored. I'm not giving up this easily. I'd rather compromise an hour on the sleep than days and weeks on this nonsense, once more.