The lazy guy inside me that I'm afraid of

Look, I understand that inside me there is a greedy, gluttonous lazy hippie. I understand that free time is probably my enemy. That if I’m given too much free time to contemplate the mysteries of the universe, I’m afraid of that inner hippie emerging. There’s a guy inside me who wants to lay in bed, and smoke weed all day, and watch cartoons, and old movies. I could easily do that. My whole life is a series of stratagems to avoid, and outwit, that guy. That’s why I keep myself moving forward with food and travel and work. It goes back to heroin. If heroin, or delicious delicious food, is the Number One thing on the to-do list every day, there probably won’t be a Number Two thing on your Things To-Do list, you know?

- The great late Anthony Bourdain

I'm afraid of that guy, the hippie inside me that Tony talks of. There is no Heroin, but there doesn't need to be. Social media, the internet is the heroin of our times.

I understand that inside me there is a lazy, greedy hippy, who wants to eat cookies for dinner and sleep all day long. He wants to giggle at youtube videos and smoke weed all the time, and do nothing else. I understand he will do anything, go to any lengths to avoid doing anything that gives him a slightest of concern, or involves even a hint of unpleasantness. My goal in life is to befuddle that guy, confuse him, to keep him too occupied with everything else, to distract him from going back to his habits, so he's tired, the only thing that he can do is to sleep, at night. He wants to get up from the bed at 1 in the afternoon, he wants to sleep at 4, talk to people on the chat and on the phone, anybody that'll talk to him, cute girls mostly. And he doesn't want to learn or progress or grow. He just wants to stay and wallow and cry and laugh. He's a lazy mean muthafucka, somebody who'd be quite unpleasant.

I don't want him to be in control of me.

Everything I do, every new initiative I take, every project or task I put upon myself is an attempt, yet another stratagem to outwit that guy. He eventually figures out 

It's not easy, really it's not easy, people tell me I'm a high-functioning procrastinator, somebody who gets things done without wanting to. They say I'm productive. But not really, my productivity is an illusion, a collection of several failed attempts to escape from this trap of the lazy stoner, somehow presented as one whole piece of output. All I want to do is run, go to a place that guy can't find me, and breathe a sigh of relief. I want to meditate, focus, be with myself, truly and have an understanding of what I really want, no distractions or that layer of 'fat' or 'fog' that takes over my brain and heart when I feel like there needs to be something done. The same fog that's been distracting me from this blog in the last month, the same one that's disrupted my regular workout, reading, checklist and meditation schedule.

Yet I fight, every day is a battle. It is, it's not easy, but I try very hard. He has lots of allies, he does. But I try. I keep pushing back. Every day I feel like this blog is a total waste of time, I should just give up on it and move on. But I won't. Because this is my battle call. I won't be defeated. I won't give up. I'll fight that sonofabitch till the last dying breath.