Remember reader, this blog is not meant for the ease of your readership. It's meant for me, as a therapy and a practice to evolve into a better person, become a better writer. So your trade is as follows: you get a privileged view into my inner thoughts and machinations of my mind, my deepest darkest secrets and hopes desires and insecurities. But in return you have to potentially slog through stinkers like these, where I'm trying to pump my own juices, no not in that way, to get myself more motivated and back on track, as they say. The point is, motivation is still not where one wants it to be, so you'll keep seeing me moaning and complaining all the time. Shut it, and read on.
It's been three weeks now, ever since my original sleep issues began. I've overcome the sleeping situation, I go to bed and close my eyes and it just works. Need to keep my legs straight, but that's the most trouble I need to fall soundly asleep. And it's not like I'm even doing hardcore workouts, the walks have been reduced, haven't gone out on my daily walks in the last four days. The sleep situation is perfectly fine. However things work I don't understand.
Maybe it's the anxiety. About me not being up to my standards. About lagging behind at work commitments, about not being caught up with commitments here, about abandoning the meditating thing, MEDITATION, which was supposed to be my ticket out of the unproductivity hole. Now I'm trying to escape away from it, making excuses, doing whatever I can.
So sad, really. My body is a total fuckup, i know.
But here's the real deal, and I'm talking to you my very inner self, the part of my brain that's resisting all the positive changes and productivity etcetera. I'm not going to give up. I'm not going to abandon the peaceful happy future, where I have my shit together. It's inertia, it's mental laziness, it's fear, it's the desire to not change and just wallow in the news and self pity and fear. I'm not afraid of you, fuck no. I'll keep fighting, I'll keep writing, I'll keep pumping myself up. And one day I'll start doing full-hearted meditation session again. And again, over days weeks and months. And I'll be maintaining checklists again, keeping my mind organized and peaceful. And I'll be timing my tasks so my mind doesn't wander. I'm a goddamn adult, I'm a serious guy with serious hopes aspirations desires and did I say...ambition, because I want to go places and do things, be out there, be known for something. A hard worker I want to be and I know I've got it inside myself. It's just shit like you that's stopping me but you know what it's all so clear, there's no denying my destiny, nothing will stop me from reaching those eyes. I'm coming for you and all the lame feelings and downey things. Yes, laziness and lack of motivation, you're going to be history, like you've been for the last year or two. And people will laugh and you, I"m going to be a goddamn advisor and a guru to people like myself, to help them improve themselves, to motivate, while at being peace. That's my destiny. I'm the captain of my ship, the master of my destiny, and I will be the guide to help people take control of their own. This is only a minor interruption and it's over now.
I DO DECLARE!
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