I guess this is a job application, or whatever

What are the reasons you're applying to this position?
I need money, I need something to put in my resume, let people know that I'm not a total waste of space and air, and literally that I can fool and convince anybody in this world to give me a job which means I'll be at least semi-competent at doing whatever bullshit bidding they need to do. It's all rolling jobs one on top of another, a job pyramid, and I want this position, the one you're offering, to be the base of the pyramid.

What are your aspirations for this job?
To not get fired before I get a new hopefully better-paying job. Get a raise at a reasonable pace, get promoted, loved and respected by my coworkers but not in a way that would have be work more for the same pay. Little work and a whole lot of money. Leadership position would be fine by me as long as everybody did what I said, and I got all the credit for the successes and none of the blame for the failures.

How do you see yourself interacting with your coworkers, what are you strengths and weaknesses?
 

Like regular people, as people interact with other people. I hope to not creep them out, and not be creeped out by them. I don't intend on asking anybody out, and don't want anybody doing that to be, or acting horny. Swearing is fine, as long as it's not targeted at me. I don't want to be emotionally engaged in people's lives and shit, know as little as I can about them, just enough to get whatever I need from them the quickest. It'd be great if I got a cheatsheet telling me exactly how much everybody likes to schmooze and how they like being schmoozed so I don't waste my time with the bores and underinvest with the needies.
 

In terms of strengths and weaknesses, I will not absolute hate and despise people for no reason, they are after all working for this place to make money for their own families to pay their mortgage and send kids to school. We're all stuck in this cage from which death is the only escape, the only way to help each other is to be tolerant. That understanding is my greatest strength. Weakness, hmm...weakness. I guess I can't stand drama queens and people who take everything so seriously. Like they're working on the job like their job depends on it even though they've been clearly informed it's not going to help them with promotions and raises. Also, the other group of people I dislike are people who are smart and capable but won't put even the base minimal effort into the job because they think they're too good for this job, everybody else is an idiot and a fool and once they get their secret project completed, or the job offer they know they know for sure that's right around the corner, they're going to be on the quick lane to millionairedom and ta-ta byee ya losers. So it's the reasonable people I can get quite along with.

What separates you from other applicants?
That's a tough question to answer since I don't know what the other applications look like, but they tell me I'm a lot more literal and direct than most people, so assuming your applicant pool is 'normal', in both the mathematical sense and the social sense, you'd get more frankness with me compared to the others. Which means that there's going to be clear communication, direct feedback, and no bullshit for your management as well as your lower-level employees, the people you'll be putting me in charge of. Additionally, I can play some unique music instruments, cannot list them for lack of word count but we can talk about that later. That would be great for entertainment value and increasing employee morale. I dunno, maybe I'm more desperate for the job than most others probably, due to the strange personal situation I find myself in, and normally I wouldn't be writing this, but man I'm so desperate because of the covid and everything else happening in the world, it would do me a solid if you gave me the job. If nothing else just...just invite me for an interview alright, a 'conversation', and I'm confident I can convince you to give me a chance for a trial period in the least. I'm a lot better in person than on paper or in my writing, I swear! Thanks for giving me the opportunity, lol.