So yeah that's been happening, the guidance is starting to grill my ears whatever, or maybe I feel pressured anxious whatever. For the last several days I've been meditating on my own, with the pattern set by the headspace guidance. It's been working, I can feel in my body the stress sorta melting away. And also the biggest achievement has been when going to bed I follow their sleep things, but without listening, all on my own, and I have a tough time keeping my eyes for even like five minutes, It's insane how much better I've gotten with going to sleep in such a short time. Suspiciously good actually.
And there's a theory in there, after yesterday. For the first time in a long time I slept after 12, went to bed at 10.25, and then slept at maybe 10.35. I got up at 2.30 and then did I use the restroom or not, it's unclear, in any case at some point I did go to the loo, and maybe had trouble sleeping? I don't know it's unclear but sleep was disrupted more than usual which leads me to believe my body is absolutely set on me sleeping at twelve, not being productive at night and is unwilling to budge. What a stupid suckass fucking everything I've been trying to do, just against my drive and motivation and focus you know all of it.
Yeah anyway so the selfmeditating has been working so well, for managing anxiety at least. Only thing I need to begin working on is focus, productivity, happiness, creativity, those other things, mood management almost. And then mindfulness, that's the most fundamental sorta situation I want to be at, always aware and mindful of my physical surroundings, not being distracted by my feelings and emotions, not lost in the illusions and palaces of my own mind. That's the target. We're not much close to that, but at least there's the right direction, so things aren't terrible, don't worry guys.
Is it about the free time, is it having undisturbed block of energy and concentration, without being distracted by sounds or notifications or roommates? What's stopping me, why has the energy or the drive been chilling lately? And what's up with being so lazy in not following the rules I set up for myself in this blog? It shouldn't be this hard, it was my choice to write in this blog, and I should be having fun doing it. Shouldn't be a chore. It's so weird and annoying. There's nothing sapping my energy and yet I feel...tired...despite having all the vitamins and going on walks and managing the light situation. Weeeird.
The other school of thought is, that late Jan/Feb is just like this, for everybody, the SAD starts hitting the best of folks in the best of times, and there's nothing anybody can do about it. The best one can to is trying to fight back, as I have, so we haven' completely abandoned our goals and dreams. The target of coming up with a novel is further away than ever, but as long as the words are put on the page, and there's some expectation of being read, things are okay.
Back to the meditation situation. It was supposed to help me. It has. But. I've sorta' abandoned it to begin with, so writing's not going good because the meditation's being abandoned. And I've been brushing late and making bed late, so that's though, more to come on that later.
God this winter sucks, the pandemic is sucking ballz, can we have good things come in soon, pretty please errybody?
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