It's looking like I'll end up getting the promotion in the next few months, fingers crossed

 Because I've been talking more often, designing documents, presenting and generally coordinating with coworkers. They've been asking if I enjoy the sort of thing I do, and the answer has been yes, yes, unequivocally yes. So now I'm feeling like I deserve it, and it's being communicated to all the parties as well.

Motivation as you can see is low, laziness is high, it's all due to the weather, the political environment, maybe it's something in the food, but ultimately it's always me, always inside me is the person who just wants to sleep who wants to do nothing...wait I'll stop right here with this nonsense, this is good shit, something Tony Bourdain used to say, I'm going to put this in a different post. Let me blabber about something else.

Maybe it's the season. Maybe it's that time of the year for me, you know physio or emotionally. Maybe it's the hormones, I dunno, could be, can't be sure. Perhaps it's the lack of vitamins cos I stopped taking 'em for a long time. Or maybe motivation is like a shark, the faster you swim the faster you want to go and you gotta go. When you stop, you want to float, float float float, until you cannot swim anymore, and then you rise to the top of the water. Deddd. Dead as a fish.

Back to what we were talking about, I want to be working towards my promotion more seriously, if this round doesn't work out, money troubles are going to arise, relationship troubles will appear, and then things might be problematic. If I had a partner, kids, and family I mean these things would happen, right now they're unlikely to. Because I'm a freebird. But they could, you can never say never, shit I need to complete my documents for greencard and I haven't because the motivation has been so low, that's why, it's all the stress and anxiety and disappointment associated with not working towards my life's basic goals, not living up to the promises I made to my coworkers and to myself, to my family. If I can't do that how am I ever going to be writing a book, or writing a good blog even. January has been a total wash, and the sole reason is me, and only I. Nobody else is to blame. At this rate, the promotion is not going to come because I've given up this month it seems on anything that is going to be rewarding or great, and the greencard situation is the important one, so is the project I promised to take. Why haven't I worked towards those? Perhaps I should start with that.

I like to blame the politics, the weather and all of that, but no ultimately it's just me.

In any case, I can fool delude confuse everybody else, perhaps even myself, and I might get this promotion, but this habit cannot be sustained, I need to improve as a worker, as a human being. My work ethics need a step up, my peace of mind needs to come from the inside, it needs to be wise and bright, not lazy and external, full of distraction. Distraction-driven peace of mind is temporary, it is transitory. The permanent peace is the one you inculcate from meditations.