Why I'm stressed about writing and the weekend, waiting for tomorrow

 I don't know what I'm writing, that's the problem. I don't want to write within my predefined prompts or structures or templates, and the 'freeform' writing can last only so long before you get anxious about how you're going to spend the next fifteen minutes since the timer's started but there's nothing in your head you want to right about you've already exhausted all the other nonsense oh shit you're so very screwed now, what's the plan for the future babu, how are we going to do it.

This is tough, really hard, but we must persist, these problems aren't common once you start writing, only once in every four or five months, even then they solve themselves pretty quick since you get tired of annoying yourself and the one very patient reader with this kind of bullshit. Why are you wasting everybody's time, it's not getting you anything, this is just you using your fingers to write stuff. You're not communicating with anybody, you're not editing anything, or getting a point across. It's as if somebody decided to run around in circles inside their own room, with bad form. There's no possible positive outcomes, and only negative outcomes.

The situation is this, see. I should be sleeping at 10.30 tonight which is in ten minutes, and try waking up at six. Then things will be alright, the terrible situation I've found myself in will have been sorted all for once. But to get there, this day needs to feel accomplished, since I didn't do the work I promised my lovely coworker the entire extended weekend. On Tuesday morning however, I can spend the three hours working my butt off, and then more over the workday, until lunch time when there's going to be some interesting stuff to show off to everybody. Then I can say, hey I promised you this, and you got this, I said I wouldn't go to bed without giving your a nice set of API's and here you go. That's the plan, therein lies the guilt.

The fear, dear reader is that it could all come down crashing, sleep issues could come back, waking up could be troublesome considering my history, laziness and procrastination could grab the hold of me and the house of cards could be crumpling into a pile. The risk exists, obviously. I have to take my chances though, I can't be up until 1 in the morning like I've been doing the past week. That era of my wild timewasting evenings is over.

That is the crux of the matter. Evenings are more unproductive than mornings, no matter how unproductive mornings are. Random websites, reddit, podcasts, youtube everything I don't want to do towards a direction I'm not interested. Shifting the evening hours to the morning is what I'm angling for, my body hasn't been on my side in the past, but we're coming to a compromise. One hopes the terms of the armistice will be kept.