Idea: Make it a props based set. A large bag of chilli/chilli crisps from TJ's, a large homemade container of kefir, and something else. The chili starts the conversation about dominating and power dynamics with animals and young children and how I'm going to be eating the chilis throughout the show to establish dominance. And then eat a bunch of chillies. Then ramble a bit on chillis and stuff eating spicy food, how you can taste it twice, about my crazy relationship with chilli and how that one time, or twice or thrice, I lost all consciousness and got all numb etcetera. Then move on to the second one, the kefir one, and talk about why I started making kefir, about how I am so cheap I wanted to cut down the middle man and get a cow except I could have a cow in my apartment so I started thinking of other things that have been known to produce milk. And then I dismissed the idea immediately, not because the idea is awful and ridiculous and it wouldn't work and also are you kidding me nobody would let me have gallons of milk for less cost than what it would cost be for a gallon at TJ's, but more importantly there was another middle-'man' so to speak, and I didn't want that. And that's what led me to the google search "can men make milk", your honor.
Go back to talking about establishing dominance maybe talk about how I'm vertically and horizontally challenged and sure I have a bit of a tummy that I've been made fun of for, about pregnancy and I've tried to fix it and it never goes and it never goes it's a bit of a bummer. But that's not even the biggest kick to the extremely normal sized groin because in high school I overheard on multiple occasions -- both girls AND guys -- about how I was almost really hot...if only I had six more inches to my height. Which felt kind of like....you just had a large bag of spicy thai chilli peppers and your stomach is burning absolutely. And so now I have the chillis because this is ONE thing I'm good at. And then pretend to like really get hurt by it after eating it, and complain maybe it wasn't a good idea after all.
Speaking of other things that aren't good ideas. Well the exploration of milkmaking was not the end of that school of thought. Or is it a train of thought? A train full of schoolchildren of thought? And before I get into details about this, let me tell you I think I understand a little bit about how so many conservative folks are so afraid of gender transition and the like. It's a bit like how a lot of old folks are afraid of fluidity in sexuality, what men having sex with men, that's a cray concept who knows what might happen, kids are crazy they don't know what they're asking for, the world will go haywire, thank god I'm not young anymore, if I were a youngun now, and mind you I'm the most red-blooded straightest of men I know of, but if I was young and if things were as crazy as they are, I'd be sucking men off left and right, and I'm not even gay! That's the crazy world liberals want, where anybody can do anything they like, that's wild! [Do this in my ridiculously bad texan accent with lots of yeehaws thrown in] And then go on about how for a moment, I legitimately and genuinely thought if transitioning into a woman could save me the hassle with all the middle-women. I could milk myself for my kefir. But obviously it's a terrible idea and I don't want to judge people for their reasons to transition and it's a serious matter and so I quickly dismissed it. But not for those reasons. It turns out the economics doesn't work out, there's no way I can undercut Trader Joe's in the milk market, those monopolists have cornered the milk market by putting everybody out of business those capitalists. Hashtag late stage capitalism. Hashtag bring about socialism. Hashtag Brother Bernard 2028.
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