Yet another stream of consciousness

I need to write like six hundred blog posts in the next month or so and even in the best of circumstances that's a tall order. And is this really the best of circumstances? It's too early to tell, but today when I was full of energy and vigor and had nothing else happening I'm having one hell of a hard time getting to barely sixteen or what not, so getting twenty, thirty posts out in a day is going to be an uphill climb. The more fundamental question of why even bother, why change history and not let things as they are and move on, don't let myself block with this self-imposed block can be answered as follows. That I'm deeply, deeply gravely ashamed embarrassed about the lack of self-discipline and routing and need to make up for it so yeah I'll write write write until my fingers pop off or whatever, and write some more because man otherwise what's the point, what have I achieved in the last couple of years, you know? Yes I know spending like three hours every day for a good portion of a month writing not-great stuff under great pressure is a waste of summer weather in Seattle for one, for another there's not going to be any outcome worth showing and being proud of to others. And also if at the end it just feels painful and numbing like it is bound to, and I'll hate it that's certain, who will have won? Is it not just better to go on from here, abandon that heavy luggage and start with high energy and gusto? Maybe, or maybe it's a form of self-flagellation and the beatings will continue till morale improves so to speak. Until I learn to be better at posting more regularly, this misery is what will keep me straight. That's the way things will work, zzzzip.